the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
