last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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