My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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