Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
