I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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