bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
