listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was CRYING into my vagina
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
