So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
