if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
