she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
