My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
