your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just want nice things and good sex
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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