My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
