4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
