Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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