come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
