I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
