Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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