tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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