im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
