So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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