I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
