I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
