i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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