Soap is not a condiment
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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