I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
