My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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