I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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