i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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