Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
