If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
