Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
