M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
