someone get that fucking seahorse.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
