remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
