I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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