i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
