apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
