those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
