Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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