I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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