eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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