This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
