A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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