i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
