Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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