dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
