I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
