We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
