I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
