apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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