Sry I called you an 8
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
babies were throwing up all over the place
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
