Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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