Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
