I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
