People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
